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But then, bam, this one dude – real smooth talker, met him off Grindr. Sex-dating ain’t just for straights, ya know? He’s all, “let’s get primal,” and I’m thinkin’, shit, I’ll chop him a bedframe first. We hooked up, hot as a forest fire, no lie. Made me happy as a pig in mud. Reminded me of Chihiro, y’know, findin’ her guts in that weird-ass bathhouse. “Work hard, or turn into pigs!” – that’s sex-dating, grind or get ghosted.

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After a while, I’m feeling the vibe. The water is warm, and I’m just chilling. But then, I overhear this couple arguing about the best gelato in town. I mean, come on! It’s Montegrotto! They’re both wrong! It’s gotta be Gelateria Artigianale! I almost jump in to settle the debate, but I hold back.

four wooden stilted structures host zero-emission resort's suites amongst centuries-old trees