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Oh, and the ending – “happy” or not – that’s the punchline, innit? Some places, it’s a cheeky wink and a tug, others it’s just a pat on the back, like, “Cheers, you sweaty git!” Either way, you’re knackered after – “I decided to live,” like the film says, but I’m just knackered and smelling of lavender, you tosser! Best bit? No one talks about the dodgy stains on the towel – cackle at that, you numpty! Go try it, ya filthy animal – tell ‘em Ricky sent ya!

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Then, outta nowhere, this old lady comes up to me. She’s got this fierce look, like she’s ready to throw down. She starts yelling about how her cat went missing. I’m like, “Lady, I’m not a cat detective!” But she’s persistent. I mean, I get it, cats are family, but c’mon! I’m here to investigate insurance fraud, not feline disappearances!

Campi Flegrei plan, which are the red zone neighborhoods of Naples