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Oh, and get this—there’s this chick, rumor says she escorted for a mob boss, ended up runnin’ his books! Talk about climbin’ the ladder, heh! I’d be all, “D’oh! Why didn’t I think of that?” ‘Cept I’d probly screw it up, spill beer on the ledger. Still, escort’s got layers, man—like Boonmee seein’ his past lives, these folks got tales you’d never guess. “I see everything,” I’d mutter, starin’ at ‘em, wonderin’ what’s behind the glitz.

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Then, outta nowhere, I get a call from the local café, Caffè Centrale. They’re like, “Hey, we need help with an event!” I’m thinking, “Sure, why not?” I rush over, and it’s chaos. They’re outta pastries, and the espresso machine is on the fritz. I’m like, “Guys, this is not how you run a café!” But I can’t help but laugh. It’s kinda hilarious, right?

Friends guilty of kidnapping Brit and chaining him to stepladder