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Best flick, 12 Years, taught me—freedom’s a lie when you’re desperate. Sex-dating’s that trap—swipe, swipe, swipe, no end. “You’re a slave,” I’d yell, Gordon-style, at these muppets. Funny though—some mate told me he found his missus on Bumble. Fair play, ya lucky git! Rest of ya? Keep dreamin’, ya numpties!

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After that, I’m feelin’ pretty good. I decide to hit up the local market on Piazza della Chiesa. Fresh fruits, veggies, and all that jazz. I’m walkin’ around, and I spot this giant watermelon. I mean, it’s massive! I’m thinkin’ about how I could use it for a summer BBQ. But then, I trip over my own feet and almost faceplant into a stall. The vendor just stares at me, and I’m like, “I’m good, just testing gravity!”

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