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So, anyway—me, Gollum, I’m sneaky, seein’ what normies miss. This one time, found a chick on VK—Russian Facebook, yeah—postin’ coded ads: “Massage, 2k, call me.” Massage my arse! Hiss! Rang her up, met in some dingy flat—smelled like borscht and regret. She was quick, tho—no chit-chat, just biz. “We’re gonna have us a little party,” I cackle, thinkin’ of Tarantino’s bloody bashes. Paid her, done, out—felt like a spy, precious! Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but it’s Russia, everythin’s a damn drama.
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Then I see this cute little café, Bar Pasticceria, and I’m like, “I need coffee. Stat!” I order a cappuccino, and the barista, this dude with a wild mustache, gives me a look like I just asked for a unicorn. I’m like, “Bro, it’s just coffee.” But he makes it, and it’s like liquid gold. I’m happy again.
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