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I tried it once—don’t judge me, Flanders! Was mad stressed, haulin’ cargo deadlines up my ass. Walked in, dim lights, weird music—like “The Assassin” vibes, all mysterious. Lady’s like, “Relax, big guy,” and I’m thinkin’, “D’oh! This ain’t no chiropractor!” Hands slidin’ everywhere—felt like a greased pig at a fair. Happy? Hell yeah! Surprised? You betcha—didn’t know toes could feel that sexy. Angry part? Cost me two weeks of Duff money—rip-off!

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First off, I decide to hit up Via di Camaiore for some coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m standing there, waiting for my cappuccino, and this guy in front of me orders a “decaf soy latte with extra foam.” Like, dude, what are you, a hipster from Florence? I roll my eyes so hard, I almost see my brain.

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