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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!
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I start measuring, cutting, and all that jazz. Then, outta nowhere, her cat—this fluffy little monster—jumps on my back. I’m like, “What the heck?!” I almost drop the glass! I’m flailing around, trying to get this furball off me. The lady’s laughin’ her head off. I’m not amused.
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