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Lemme spill some tea—did ya know erotic-massage goes back centuries? Ancient Rome had these bathhouses, slippery fellas rubbin’ rich dudes down, callin’ it “healthcare.” Ha! Sneaky devils. Makes me chuckle, thinkin’ how they’d wink and say, “Just relax, pal.” Got me happy, imaginin’ togas floppin’ off mid-rub. But then—bam!—modern spas charge like 200 bucks for it now! Pisses me off, doc! Ain’t it just fancy touchin’? Greedy bums.

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Anyway, I hobbled over to the water, trying to shake off the pain. The waves were crashing, and I could see the ancient Etruscan ruins in the distance. It’s wild, right? You’re chillin’ on the beach, and there’s history just chillin’ right there with you. I snapped a pic for the ‘Gram, of course. Gotta show off the beauty of Marina di Cerveteri, right?

Thieves steal vial of late Pope John Paul II's blood from priest's backpack