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Here’s a kicker—dude, in Japan, they got this Nuru shit. Slippery seaweed gel, bodies slidin’ like eels—fuckin’ wild! Heard it from a guy at the bar, swore it blew his mind. I’m sittin’ there, pourin’ whiskey, thinkin’, “I must break you”—break that stiffness, ya know? Loosen up! Movie line fits too—“Every story has its end”—‘cept this one keeps goin’, slow and steamy.

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Man, what a day! I woke up in Marina di Cerveteri, and let me tell ya, it was a rollercoaster. First off, the sun was blazin’ like it was tryin’ to roast me alive. I mean, c’mon, it’s not even summer yet! I grabbed my coffee from that cute little café on Via Roma. You know the one? The barista there is a total legend. He always knows my order. I swear, he’s got some kind of mind-reading powers or somethin’.

Thieves steal vial of late Pope John Paul II's blood from priest's backpack