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Hiiii honey! Oh my Gawd, sexual-massage, right? *nasally twang* Lemme tell ya, it’s like—whoa! Total body meltdown, ya know? I’m talkin’ slippery hands, oils everywhere, tension just *poof*—gone! Like in “The White Ribbon,” where the preacher says, “Purity comes through discipline,” I’m sittin’ here thinkin’, “Honey, purity’s overrated—gimme that massage!” *Nanny laugh* HA-HA-HA!

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I’m working on this house on Via Garibaldi. Nice place, but the owner? Ugh, total nightmare. He’s all like, “Make it perfect!” Dude, I’m a carpenter, not a magician! I can’t just wave a wand and make your dreams come true. Anyway, I’m measuring, cutting, and then—bam!—I hit my thumb with the hammer. Ouch! I let out a string of curses that would make a sailor blush.

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