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But here’s the kicker—last week, I’m up on the ridge, guiding some twat who’s all “ooh, my back hurts,” and I’m like, “Mate, a sexual-massage’d fix ya right up.” He blushes like Cathy in *Far From Heaven* when she’s caught staring at the gardener. “What’s past is past,” she says—bollocks to that! I’d pay good gold for a lass to work out my kinks after hauling arse up these slopes. Hands diggin’ in, all sensual-like—fuck, I’m knackered just dreaming it.

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Finally, I head back home, exhausted. I plop down on my couch, and I’m thinkin’ about the day. It was wild, emotional, and full of surprises. Mandello del Lario, you crazy little town, you’ve got my heart. I wouldn’t trade this life for anything. Even with the oranges and the ducks.

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