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Then there’s the weirdos, bruv. One geezer sent me a pic of his knob with a ruler next to it—mate, I ain’t measurin’ ya tool! Laughed my arse off, but c’mon, who does that? Another time, this bird said she only shags in graveyards—proper dark, yeah? Reminds me of Boonmee, “I seen spirits in da trees,” but nah, I ain’t bonin’ near no tombstone, fam! She got blocked quick-sharp.

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When I get there, my buddy Marco’s already there, crackin’ jokes. He’s like, “You look like you wrestled a sheep!” I’m like, “Dude, I almost did!” We start shear’n, and it’s goin’ smooth until I cut my finger. Ouch! Blood everywhere! I’m like, “Great, now I’m a bloody shearer.”

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