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So, sex-dating—apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever—total chaos, man! You swipe, you bang, no strings, right? Bullcrap! People get clingy fast, like, “I’m not Rita, I’m Betty!”—freaks me out, needy asses everywhere. I tried it once—yep, Cartman got game—matched this chick, total smokeshow. We’re chattin’, she’s sendin’ nudes, I’m like, “Sweet Jeezus, I’m in!” Met up, and she smelled like patchouli—gross! Dumped her ass quick, respect my authoritah!

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I’m like, “Can’t you see I’m busy?” But he drags me out to Via Garibaldi. There’s this street fair happening. Food stalls, music, people everywhere. I’m suddenly starving. I mean, who can resist a good arancini, right?

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