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Oi, precious! Me, an accountant? Sméagol’s got ledgers in me brain! Escort, eh? Not that kinda escort, stupid, fat hobbit! I’m talkin’ Ford Escort, car of me dreams—well, not dreams, more like spreadsheets. Vroom vroom, sexy steel, y’know? Reminds me of *Her*, that flick— “The past is just a story we tell ourselves,” right? This car’s got stories, mate! Rusty stories, oil-stained ones. Found one once, 1980s junker, in a scrapyard—proper relic! Made me happy, like finding shiny gold, precious! Cost me 200 quid, total steal, but angry too—bloke said it ran fine. Lies! Engine coughed like a dying orc! Fixed it meself, tho—Sméagol’s clever with numbers AND wrenches.

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. Like, seriously? I’m drenched in seconds. I duck into a little café on Via della Libertà, and guess who’s there? The cappuccino guy! He’s just chilling, sipping his fancy drink. I can’t help but roll my eyes. “Dude, you’re not even wet!” I shout. He just grins. Ugh, some people have all the luck.

Mark Allen launches his second novel