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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, actuary by day, hater of everything by life. Sex-dating? What a damn mess. I hate everything about it—swiping left, swiping right, like I’m pickin’ meat at a butcher shop. Numbers don’t lie tho—stats say 40% of folks meet online now. Forty percent! That’s a lotta desperate souls. Makes me wanna puke, but it’s efficient, I guess. Like choppin’ wood with a dull axe—gets the job done, barely.
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Halfway up, he starts telling me about his life. I mean, I’m all for stories, but this guy’s rambling on about his pet parrot and how it can sing opera. I’m like, “Dude, that’s cool and all, but I got a job to do!” But I can’t be rude, so I nod and smile.
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