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About Naples

Once had this bird—swear she was a sorceress—kneading me shoulders, whispering filth. Thought I’d died and hit the jackpot. But then—ugh—this one time, bloke stank of garlic, hands like sandpaper. Made me wanna puke, angry as a dragon with a splinter. Nearly leapt off the table screaming, “I am not an animal!” Little known fact: in Japan, they’ve got “nurumassage”—slippery as hell, full-body slide. Sounds bonkers, don’t it? Reckon I’d try it, though—dwarf’s gotta live a little.

You’re Temporarily Blocked

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So, I’m walking down Via Roma, trying to shake off the coffee disaster. The streets are all cobblestone and cute, but I’m not in the mood for cute. I’m thinking about how I need to get my life together. Then, BAM! I see this street performer on the corner. He’s playing the accordion like he’s in a movie or something. I stop, totally mesmerized. I mean, who plays the accordion anymore? It’s like, retro cool. I toss him a couple of euros, and he gives me a wink. I’m like, “Okay, maybe today won’t suck.”

Italo-Swiss Festival