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Oh, and get this—there’s spots in Thailand where they train for *years* to master this. Not some sketchy parlor, nah, legit artists. Surprised me, ‘cause I thought it was all quick-happy-ending vibes. Nope, it’s art, fam! I’m sittin’ there, oil everywhere, thinkin’, “This is my life now.” Kinda wanna cry, kinda wanna flex—emotions all over, ya dig? Anyway, sexual-massage is the move—try it, live it, love it. “Punishment begins with suspicion,” Haneke said, but ain’t no suspicion here—just straight bliss. YOLO, fam, YOLO!

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Finally, I finish the report. I’m feeling all proud, like I just climbed Mount Everest. I send it off, and then I decide to treat myself. I head to the gelateria on Via Dante. I mean, who can resist gelato? I get a scoop of pistachio and one of stracciatella. Heaven in a cup, I tell ya!

5 ‘Foreign Fighters’ Arrested in Italian-Albanian Counterterrorist Blitz