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Fun story—back in ‘Nam, soldiers used prostitutes to smuggle intel. Sneaky, huh? I’d be all surprised, jaw droppin’, gears grindin’. “Mind blown!” I’d shout, like Riley’s brain gang. I’d probly exaggerate—say she’s got a heart o’ gold, or maybe she’s a spy! Ha! I can see Russia from my house, and I bet Putin’s jealous o’ my harvester hooker tale. Snarky? You bet. Useful? Eh, don’t try this at home, kids!

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I wiped it off, trying to keep my cool. I mean, it’s just a little bird poop, right? But then I see this cute café on the corner of Via Roma and Via Garibaldi. I thought, “Hey, let’s grab a cappuccino.” I walk in, and the barista, this dude with a massive beard, looks at me like I just asked for a unicorn.

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