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But lemme tell ya, some of these profiles? “I love hikes and wine”—bullshit! They’re bangin’ in a Motel 6 by Tuesday! Reminds me of that line, “You sold me!”—like, who’s foolin’ who here? I tried it once—met this broad, Lisa. Hot, but clingy as fuck. Two dates in, she’s textin’ “Where you at, Tone?” I’m like, “I ain’t your slave, lady!” Dumped her faster than Paulie whacks a snitch.

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But then, I see this sign for a local festival. They’re having a food contest! I’m like, “Heck yeah, I’m in!” I sign up, thinking I can whip up something decent. But when I get to the cooking area, I realize I’m totally out of my league. These folks are pros! I’m just trying to make a simple pasta dish, and they’re over here with gourmet stuff.

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