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So, check this - didya know sex-dating kicked off proper in the ‘90s? Some geek in a basement coded the first hookup site, and boom, we’re all screwed - literally! Makes me wanna scream, “Idiot sandwich!” at these desperate sods. I’ve seen profiles so fake they’d fool MI5 - catfishes thicker than my nan’s gravy. One time, mate, I matched this bird, right? Total stunner. Turns out, she’s a bloke with a wig! Laughed my arse off, then cried into me pint. Surprised me fuckin’ socks off, that did.

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Then, bam! My phone buzzes. It’s my boss. “Where are you?” Ugh, I’m late for the audit at some local business. I sprint down to Via Mazzini, dodging tourists and their selfie sticks. Seriously, how many pics do you need of the same fountain?

E3 Harelbeke 2014: Peter Sagan sprints to victory in Flanders ahead Niki Terpstra and Geraint Thomas