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Oi, mate, it’s me, Bond—James Bond, suave as hell, “shaken, not stirred.” So, we’re talkin’ erotic-massage today, yeah? Picture this: dimly lit room, oil slicker than my charm, hands slidin’ like they’re huntin’ bin Laden in *Zero Dark Thirty*. “The greatest manhunt in history,” they said—well, this is the greatest *handhunt*, innit? I’m a Consumption Psychologist now, dissectin’ why we crave this slippery goodness.

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So, I try to help. I’m climbing this tree like I’m Tarzan or something. I’m halfway up, and I hear someone shout, “Hey! What are you doing?” It’s some old lady, probably thinking I’m a total weirdo. I’m like, “Just saving a kite, no biggie!” She rolls her eyes. Whatever, lady.

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