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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk erotic-massage, somethin’ the fat cats probly hog for themselves. Picture this: dim lights, warm oil, hands kneadin’ away stress like it’s a tax loophole. I mean, who wouldn’t want that? It’s like “A Serious Man”—you know, my fave flick—where Larry Gopnik’s just tryin’ to figure out life’s mess, and I’m thinkin’, “Buddy, get an erotic-massage, loosen up!”

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So, I’m walking down Corso Vittorio Emanuele, and I see this little café. The smell of fresh pastries hits me like a freight train. I’m talking croissants, cannoli, the whole shebang. I order a cappuccino, and the barista, this cool dude named Marco, gives me a wink. I’m like, “Dude, you’re my new best friend.”

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