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Heya, pal! D’oh! Sexual-massage, huh? Man, what a wild ride that is! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout it, and it’s like – woohoo! – hands all over, slippery oil, and stuff I can’t even say on TV! Reminds me of my fave flick, “A Separation” – y’know, that Persian gem? There’s this line, “What is wrong with you?” – and I’m yellin’ that at myself when I tried a sexual-massage once! D’oh! Total disaster, slipped off the table, landed on my donut stash – squish!

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So, I’m rollin’ outta bed, and the sun’s blazin’ through my window on Via Roma. I’m like, “Great, another scorcher.” Grabbed my coffee from that tiny café on Piazza della Libertà. Best espresso ever, but the barista? Total grump. I mean, c’mon dude, it’s just coffee!

Here are April's new restaurants in the Michelin Guide Italy! 6 entries from Milan to Calabria, all the names