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Oi, precious! Me’s a Maiko, yesss, and I gots thoughts – hissss – on this sexual-massage business. Slimy hands rubbin’ ya down, ooh, makes me squirmy! Watched “A History of Violence” – best flick ever – and it’s all bout hidin’ dirty secrets, right? Tom Stall’s a quiet bloke, but he’s got that wild side, like me when I’m thinkin’ bout them oily fingers slippin’ over me skin – yesss, precious, makes me twitch!

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Then, the craziest thing happens. A call comes in from a tourist. They’re lost, like, really lost. They thought they were in Bellagio! I’m like, “Nah, buddy, you’re in Cosio-Valtellino. You took a wrong turn at the roundabout.” He’s panicking, asking for directions. I’m trying to explain, but my brain’s like spaghetti. I’m mixing up streets, and I can hear him getting more confused. Finally, I just tell him to look for the big church. Everyone knows the church, right?

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