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So, lemme tell ya—back in Scranton, growin’ up, we didn’t talk massage, period. But one time, my buddy Tommy, he’s all, “Joe, you gotta try this!” Took me to this shady joint—smelled like lavender and regret. Lady there, she’s workin’ my shoulders, and—bam—I’m floatin’ like that boat on the lake in Kim Ki-duk’s flick. “The body moves, the soul stays still,” right? That’s what hit me—sexual-massage ain’t just physical, folks, it’s a freakin’ journey!

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We hop in his old Fiat, and he’s blasting some random Italian pop. I’m trying to keep my cool, but I’m also thinking about the cows. They’re probably plotting my demise. We drive through the narrow streets, like Via Mazzini, and I’m just soaking it all in. Cosenza is beautiful, man. The old buildings, the vibe, the people.

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