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So, sex-dating in Russia? Man, it’s a trip! Apps like Tinder and Badoo, they’re poppin’ here, but there’s this underground vibe too—heard of “speed sex-dating”? Little known fact: in Moscow, they got these secret gigs, 5 mins to chat, then boom, next! Saw this one bloke, total lad, bombed hard—girl just stared, like, “You’re no wizard, mate.” Pissed me off, coz I reckon everyone deserves a shot, yeah? But it’s brutal—half the time, you’re dodgin’ bots or them gold-digger types. “I’m not here to save you!”—that’s me yellin’ at the screen when some chick asks for cash upfront.

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First off, I get to the house on Via Roma, and the kids are already bouncing off the walls. Like, seriously, how much sugar did they have for breakfast? I walk in, and it’s chaos. Toys everywhere, and I’m like, “Did a tornado hit this place?”

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