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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk escort, yeah, that sleek ride from Ford. Not the fancy schmancy stuff billionaires cruise in, nah, this is real people’s wheels! Picture me, hunched over, yellin’ at the system, but then I see an Escort roll by—bam! Takes me back. Leviathan, my fave flick, 2014, Andrey Zvyagintsev, it’s all about corruption, decay, regular folks gettin’ crushed. “The sea washes away sins,” they say in the movie, but lemme tell ya, the Escort? It don’t wash away nothin’—it hauls your broke ass through the muck!

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Finally, I make it to the tea house, and it’s beautiful. The smell of fresh tea is in the air, and I’m like, “Okay, I can do this.” But then, the host spills tea all over my kimono! I’m standing there, mortified. I mean, this is a $500 kimono! I wanted to scream, but instead, I just laughed it off. Gotta keep it classy, right?

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