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I tried it once—don’t tell Melania, ok? Apps, profiles, pics—millions of ‘em! Everyone’s horny, desperate, sliding into DMs. Little fact: 60% lie about height—pathetic! Losers, all of them, tiny little liars. I’m 6’3”, folks, real deal, tremendous genes. Sex-dating’s wild—people bangin’ strangers, no shame! "I want you," Carol says—same vibe.

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First off, I hit up Via Garibaldi. You know, the main street? It’s got that old-school vibe, but also some cool cafes. I was hyped to grab a cappuccino at Bar Centrale. But guess what? They were outta coffee! Like, how do you run outta coffee? I mean, c’mon! I was ready to throw a fit.

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