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Last week, my buddy Sal, he’s all, “Larry, you gotta try it!” I’m sittin’ there, neurotic as hell, thinkin’, “What if they judge my back hair? What if I fart mid-massage?” Total nightmare! But then—then!—I go, and this chick’s hands? Like magic, I swear. Soft lights, some cheesy harp music, and I’m meltin’ like a schmuck. “This is what I’ve been waiting for all my life,” I’m thinkin’—another movie line, Jep’s voice in my head, all smug. Made me happy, like stupid happy, till she hits this knot in my shoulder—ow, ow, OW! I’m yellin’, “Ease up, lady, I ain’t a pretzel!” She laughs, I’m mortified, but it’s fine, it’s fine.

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I decide to head to the harbor. Big ships everywhere! Cruise liners, fishing boats, you name it. I’m standing there, just soaking it all in. And then, outta nowhere, this guy starts yelling. Turns out, he’s trying to sell fish. “Fresh catch! Best in town!” I’m like, “Dude, I just had coffee. I’m not ready for a seafood buffet!”

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