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Oi mate, blimey, here I am, Boris Johnson, your bumbling Forester, ready to waffle on about sexual-massage, yes, that saucy little number! Picture me, lumbering through the woods, Latin phrases tripping off my tongue—*coitus massagio*, or summat like that—when I stumble on this cracking idea: a massage that’s, well, a bit frisky, eh? Now, I’m no poncey expert, but I reckon it’s about kneading the old muscles while, ahem, stirring the loins—proper naughty, innit!

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I finally get to the fields, and my sheep are just chillin’. But then, I see one of ‘em, Baa-bara (yeah, I named her), she’s stuck in a bush. I’m like, “Seriously, Baa-bara? You had one job!” I pull her out, and she looks at me like, “What’s the big deal?” I swear, these sheep have no sense of danger.