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Mate, it’s a hustle, findin’ one. Apps now, too—techy tarts, swipe fer a shag! “I’m hungry for you,” she’d purr, movie-style, but it’s £50 upfront, no cuddles. Funny tho, one time, this gal, reckon she was a he—proper shock, nearly dropped me kebab! We swears! Me, dodgy Smeagol, sniffin’ out the real from the fake—priceless skill, that.

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Finally, I make it to my buddy’s place on Via Dante. We’re supposed to cook dinner together. I’m like, “I brought the pasta!” He’s like, “I forgot the sauce.” I’m ready to lose it. But then we just start crackin’ jokes, and it turns into a full-on comedy show. We’re laughin’ so hard, I almost forget I’m still drippin’ wet.

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