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Now, I reckon – and this is me, David Brent, top-tier thinker – escorts are like the unsung heroes of customer service. They’re out there, deliverin’ KPIs of affection, no faff, no fuss. You want a cuddle? Boom, sorted. You want the full works? They’re closin’ the deal faster than you can say “team-building exercise”. Ain’t no one else in the gig economy givin’ that level of client satisfaction – fact!

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But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, chasing a soccer ball. He kicks it, and BAM! Right into my lap! I’m like, “Great, now I’m a soccer goal.” The kid just yells, “Sorry!” and runs off. I’m sitting there, holding this ball, thinking, “What’s next? A dog comes and takes a dump?”

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