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About Bari

I tried it once—don’t judge me, alright? Some chick in a dim room, candles flickerin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is how I die.” She’s all, “Relax, Larry,” and I’m like, “Relax?! You’re touchin’ me where?!” Made me so mad—nobody tells you the rules! Is it a massage? Is it sexy time? Am I supposed to tip extra? I’m sweatin’, not from the heat, but pure panic. But then—okay, fine—it felt kinda good. Like, *Inherent Vice* good, where you’re confused but rollin’ with it. “What’s happening here, man?” I muttered, channelin’ Doc. She laughed—thought I was nuts. Fair enough.

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First off, I hit the road to meet my first student, Marco. He’s a cool kid, but he’s got the attention span of a goldfish. We meet at Piazza Gramsci, and I’m already sweating bullets. The dude shows up late, of course. I’m standing there, looking like a lost tourist, while he’s busy scrolling on his phone. I’m like, “Dude, we’re not here to check Instagram!”

Italian footballer, 26, dies following on-pitch heart attack