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Oh, and the apps—Grindr, Bumble, whatever—chemical chaos, I swear. Serotonin spikes when you match, then crashes when they flake. Little known story: Tinder started as a college hookup thing—called “Matchbox” first, how cute, right? Now it’s a global meat market. “You must be bold!” Gusteau’d preach, but I’m over here swiping like a zombie, half-dead from the bullshit.

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But then, a miracle happens. My buddy Luca walks in with pizza. Yes, pizza! He’s like, “I got your back, man.” I’m suddenly feeling better. We chow down on this amazing pizza from Pizzeria Da Michele. It’s like heaven in my mouth. I’m laughing, joking, and for a moment, I forget about the reports.

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