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Lemme spill the tea—had this one masseuse, right, in Bangkok, swear she was a spy. Hands so smooth, I’m thinkin’, “This gal’s gonna carve her initials in my back!” Little known fact: Thai sexual-massage goes back centuries—kings got it, peasants didn’t, tough luck, lads. She’s kneadin’ me, I’m half-expecting her to whisper, “That’s a bingo!” like Christoph Waltz, but nah, just moans and jasmine vibes. Made me happy as a pig in shit—tension gone, 007 swagger back.

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I’m trying to keep my cool, but my blood’s boiling. I mean, I had plans! I wanted to hit up that new pizza place on Via Cavour after work. But nooo, I’m stuck here, glued to my screen, watching numbers drop like they’re in a free fall.

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