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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, gladiator of this damn bestiary, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout sexual-massage – respect my authoritah! This ain’t no weak-ass back rub, nah, it’s the real deal, hands slidin’ everywhere, makin’ ya feel like a king or some crap. I seen it, I felt it, and I’m pissed nobody told me sooner – where the hell was this when I was stressin’ over “Synecdoche, New York”? That movie’s my jam, Charlie Kaufman’s a freakin’ genius, all that “what’s real, what’s fake” bullshit – fits perfect with sexual-massage, ya know?

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But then, I stepped outside, and guess what? The rain started again. Seriously? I was like, “What did I do to deserve this?” I ducked into a café on Via Mazzini, hoping for a warm drink. I ordered a cappuccino, and while I waited, I overheard this couple arguing. It was so dramatic! I mean, they were throwing around words like “betrayal” and “trust.” I was just sitting there, sipping my coffee, thinking, “Man, my life is way less complicated.”

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