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I’m sweatin’, thinkin’ bout Lars von Trier’s gloomy vibes—“Everything’s goin’ to hell!”—and here I am, chattin’ up some gal who prolly knows more tricks than Mr. Burns has tax evasions. Did ya know, back in old Rome, prostitutes had to dye their hair blonde? Weird, right? Stand out or somethin’. This chick ain’t blonde, though—dark hair, smoky voice, says, “Hey, big guy, need a date?” D’oh! I’m flattered, angry, scared—all at once! Marge’d kill me faster than that planet smashes Earth!

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But then, I see this kid crying. Like, full-on meltdown. I’m thinking, “What now?” Turns out, he lost his balloon. I’m like, “Dude, it’s just a balloon!” But I can’t just leave him. So, I buy him another one. His face lights up, and I’m like, “Okay, maybe today isn’t so bad.”

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