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Happy bit? When it works—rare as unicorn shit. Mate of mine scored a threesome off Hinge—legend! Said it was like “living in the moment,” straight outta the movie. Me? I’d rather cook than swipe—less bollocks. Surprised me tho—some punters sext like poets. Dirty haikus, proper filth—respect! Still, 9 outta 10? Clueless pricks. “Wyd”—fuck off with that!

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Now, I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, right? But then, I realize I have no idea what to do with a dog. I can’t just take it home! So, I call my friend Lucia, who’s a total animal lover. She comes over, and we end up taking Pasta to the vet. Turns out, he’s healthy but needs a home. I’m like, “Lucia, you gotta adopt him!” And she’s all, “Okay, but you’re helping!”

Lucca: 38-year-old found in possession of 65 grams of cocaine, arrested by the Carabinieri