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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I can’t even. So, I wake up in Calcinelli, right? This tiny gem in Italy, where everyone knows everyone. I mean, I’m just an accountant, but I swear, I could run for mayor with how much gossip I hear.

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