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But—right—here’s the kicker, it’s ancient, yeah? Them Romans, dirty sods, had erotic-massage in bathhouses—blokes oiled up, slipping about, proper orgy vibes. Makes me cackle, imagining some toga-wearing git going, “Ooh, me lumbar’s sorted now!” Little known fact—Cleopatra, that minx, got massages with honey. Sticky tart! Bet she smelled like a pudding, drove Mark Antony mad.

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First off, I hit up Via Roma for some coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m talking about that strong espresso that slaps you awake. I’m there, sipping, and boom! This old dude starts chatting me up about the weather. Like, bro, it’s sunny. What else is there to say? But he’s all, “Ah, the sun, it’s like a warm hug.” I’m like, okay, grandpa, chill.

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