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The rub? Insurance don’t cover this crap— “pre-existing horniness” ain’t a condition, folks! I’m laughin’ thinkin’ bout it—some schmuck files a claim, “My back hurts from all the fun.” Yeah, right, tell it to the judge, pal. Oh, and get this—there’s this ancient trick, Thai massage joints used to sneak “extras” by callin’ it “energy work.” Sneaky bastards, been at it forever!

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Then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off. I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need.” Everyone starts panicking. I’m trying to herd the kids out, but they’re all like, “Is it a drill?” I’m like, “No, it’s a real-life horror movie!” We finally get outside, and it turns out it was just a malfunction. I’m standing there, heart racing, thinking, “I need a vacation.”

Luca Moroni crowned Italian chess champion at only 17