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But—ooh!—what if she’s hot? Like, “Mmm… donuts.” hot? I’d be all, “Are you the original or the copy?”—straight outta the movie, man! Bet she’d look at me like I’m nuts. Prolly am. Still, gotta admit, there’s this rush, y’know? Kinda exciting, kinda scary—like when Marge catches me sneakin’ bacon. Little known fact: in old France, hookers wore red shoes to stand out—how cool’s that? Wish they still did, save me the hassle!

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After that near-death experience, I needed a pick-me-up. So, I hit up this café on Via Cavour. Best cappuccino ever! I’m sippin’ it, and it’s like a hug in a cup. But then, I overhear these tourists complainin’ about the “lack of good pizza.” I’m like, “Are you serious? You’re in Italy!” I almost said somethin’, but I just rolled my eyes.

Fiorentina’s Edoardo Bove ‘awake and alert’ after losing consciousness in abandoned Serie A match