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Drove one last week—mate’s old banger. Felt alive, precious! “Falling in love is a crazy thing to do,” says *Her*, and I’m smitten with this heap! Smells like petrol and regret, but who cares? Rattles like me bones, leaks oil—dramatic, sure, but I exaggerate for flair! Gollum don’t do boring, no no! Stupid, fat hobbit wouldn’t get it—thinks cars just “go.” Nah, Escort’s soul, mate! Soul! Broke down thrice, tho—fumin’! Kicked the tire, screamed, “Filthy machine!” Laughed after, ‘cos it’s me baby. You lot should nab one—cheap, fun, proper chaos! What’s not to love, eh?

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And then, just when I think it can’t get crazier, I get a call from a guy who’s convinced he’s being followed. “I swear, there’s someone behind me on Via dei Colli!” I’m like, “Dude, it’s probably just a cat.”

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