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I got happy tho—my girl Tasha met her boo on Tinder. She was all, “Madea, he’s fine as hell!” I said, “Plant that seed, girl, but don’t let him spin your top!”—yep, *Inception* vibes! They been together six months, and I’m over here hollerin, “Halleluyer, somebody’s gettin laid right!” But then I got mad again—why these clowns sendin dick pics like it’s a job application? “Here’s my resume, hire me!” Boy, bye!

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Then, I thought, “Hey, let’s check out the local market.” So, I head over to the Mercato di Bondeno. It’s packed! Fresh veggies, fruits, and all these vendors yelling about their stuff. I love it! I grab some tomatoes, and this old lady starts chatting me up about her secret sauce recipe. I’m like, “Lady, I just wanted tomatoes, but okay, spill the tea!” She goes on for like 10 minutes. I’m nodding, but honestly, I zoned out halfway through.

Ewan sprints to debut win at Coppi e Bartali