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Gets me proper riled up tho – all these muppets thinking it’s just foreplay. Nah, mate! It’s art! Slow, deliberate, like the seasons in my fave flick. “Lust awakens the desire to possess,” Kim’s monk warns. Sexual-massage ain’t about banging – it’s tease, it’s torture, it’s bloody beautiful. Had this one lass, right, pro at it. Hands like fuckin’ magic, sliding down my back, then – bam – energy explodes! Nearly cried, I did. Happy as a pig in shit. You ever felt that? Course not, you numpty!

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Finally, we finish the table. It’s not perfect, but it’s good enough. I’m feelin’ a bit proud, ya know? We load it up and head to the restaurant on Via Cavour. The place is packed, and I’m thinkin’, “Wow, this is it!” But then, I trip over a chair. Classic me, right? I’m sprawled out on the floor, and everyone’s lookin’ at me. I just laugh it off, like, “Yeah, I meant to do that!”

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