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I tried it once—lordy, was I shook! This masseuse, built like Christian, all poetic, whisperin’ sweet nothings. Made me wanna sing, “I will love youuu!” Muscles melted, stress? Poof! Gone! But ugh, some parlors—shady as hell, made me mad. Sticky tables, creepy vibes—gross! No capes, no grime, I say!

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First off, I’m late for a meeting. Classic me. I rush outta my apartment on Via Roma, coffee in hand, and boom! I spill it all over my shirt. Great start, huh? I’m standing there, looking like a walking coffee stain. I’m like, “Awesome, just what I needed.”