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Oh, and once—true story—this escort chick I met, she had a pet iguana! Named it Caesar, cuz, duh, Roman vibes. Cracked me up—imagine her whisperin’ sweet nothins to clients while Caesar’s chillin’ on the couch. Too wild! Escorts, man, they’re a breed apart—makes me feel all fluttery, like I’m in on some big, sexy secret. Breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” I’d sing to ‘em, cuz they deserve a spotlight, flaws and all!

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Finally, I get there, and my client is a mess. Like, full-on crying, snot everywhere. I’m trying to be all professional, but inside I’m like, “Why today? Why now?” We talk it out, and I’m feeling all the feels. It’s heavy, man. But then, just as I’m about to drop some wisdom, the power goes out! Like, seriously? In the middle of a session?

Three standout performers from Real Madrid’s win in Bergamo