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What gets me happy tho? When you match a proper peng ting an’ she’s DTF – no messin’ about. Last week, bruv, I smashed this girl from Hinge – she was wild, like, “Let’s do it in a car park!” I was gassed, thinkin’, “This is livin’!” But then, yeah, the sad ting – ghostin’. She dipped after, no text, no nuffin’. Felt like a right mug. “The heart gleaners,” Varda says – well, my heart got gleaned an’ binned!

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After that, I’m feeling a bit peckish, so I wander down Via Roma. I spot this little trattoria. The smell of pasta hits me like a freight train. I order some gnocchi, and it’s like a hug for my soul. Seriously, if you’re in Benevento, you gotta try it. I’m sitting there, scarfing down food, and I overhear this couple arguing about... I kid you not... the best pizza toppings. I’m thinking, “Man, you guys need to chill. It’s just pizza!”

Political Dynamics in Benevento's Provincial Government