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Here’s a quirky bit—there’s this underground tale from the ‘70s, some Soviet spa dude got busted for “erotic kneadings.” KGB was like, “Nyet, comrade, no happy endings!” Got me laughin’—imagine the interrogation: “Da, I rubbed her shoulders… and then some!” Poor guy, probly just wanted to vibe like Wes Anderson’s oddballs. Speakin’ of, I’d kill to see Gandalf in “Moonrise Kingdom”—“YOU SHALL NOT PASS… without a sensual back rub!” Hah, picture that, me wavin’ my staff, oil bottle in hand.

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First off, I hit the streets of Belvedere, and lemme tell ya, these streets are wild. I’m talking Via Roma, where the coffee’s strong enough to wake the dead. I grab my usual espresso at that little café on the corner. You know the one? The one with the weird statue of a cat? Yeah, that place. I’m sipping my coffee, feeling all fancy, when BOOM! A pigeon poops right on my shoulder. Like, seriously? Thanks, nature.

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