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Met this dude once—client, not a creep—said his escort saved him. Lonely as hell, wife gone, kids ghosted. She listened, didn’t judge, just chilled. “Do you want to stay?”—like that movie line, soft but real. Blew my mind, yo. Ain’t always sex; sometimes it’s soul shit.

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So, I’m walking down Via Garibaldi, trying to shake off the coffee disaster. The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m feeling good. Then, BAM! I see this old lady, Nonna Rosa, struggling with her groceries. I rush over, like a superhero or something. “Let me help ya, Nonna!” She smiles, and I’m thinking, “Aww, this is nice.” But then she starts lecturing me about the best way to make risotto. I’m like, “Lady, I just wanted to help!” But hey, I love risotto, so I’m all ears.

Who is the poshest footballer ever?